Wednesday, June 22, 2011

A sample of my query letter...


Sorry but blogger has done it again. It seems I can't attach a picture to my blog now. No matter life goes on. Today I wanted to let you see my query letter in the hopes that you will assist me by giving my your critique. This will be a great help for me in putting my best foot forward. In my last blog I had everyone vote as to the title of the book. I listened and changed everything accordingly. Please let me know what you think.
KEYS TO POWER

When his father and brother are assassinated, it leaves Tilva the contested ruler of the planet Suvino. Four Keys to Power control the four countries on the planet and his Family government had all four until the day of betrayal. He holds one of the four Keys to Power. Unfortunately, many suspect Tilva to be a murderer, and the upstart dictator is using their anger to destabilize Tilva's government.

When Tilva's remaining brother is also assassinated, it turns the conflict interplanetary. The brother's ship arrives at Earth with its occupants slaughtered, but Earth's authorities are hungrier to exploit the ship's technology than to find the killer. The problem is, they can't unlock that technology without the help of Suvino's government-and there are two governments. Siding with the wrong one, will bring the conflict to Earth.

Obtaining the other three keys is the only way Tilva can stop the bloodshed and avenge his family. But as conspiracies ensnare his advisors, Tilva is forced to place most of his trust in the woman next in line to seize his power. When coerced to follow his brother's ship to Earth, Tilva knows he will either find the answers he needs-or walk right into an assassin's trap.

Please let me know your thoughts, comments, and critiques.

And remember...  Always stay in your write mind.

26 comments:

  1. You mean the blurb, not the query letteR itself. Umm.. I guess the title's okay, I was a fan of the first one, but this one goes well with the idea so keep it. :)

    'He holds one of the four Keys to Power.' Change that to: 'Tilva now has one of those keys.' oR sth. It flows betteR. Hmm, can you change that: 'and there are two governments', seems out of place, make it fit a little betteR.

    Otherwise it's a great blurb! I mean it. ;) It pinpoints the strong moments (I assume, I haven't read it afteR all), it ends with the stakes, and I especially like the part with the woman. Perfect. :) Good job, Orlando!

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  2. I posted early this morning and had a devil of a time getting my images to show up. It seems to be working now, so you might want to give it another shot.

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  3. @Lyn: I don't know if I should change to "now" hold one of those keys because he always had it. The problem is that his father and brother held the others but when murdered they were taken.

    @Silver Fox: Yay!!! It works. Thank you so much for letting me know or I would have left my post with no picture.

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  4. No problem. I know how frustrating & maddening it was for me, and the last thing we'd want is for you not to be in your "write mind." :)

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  5. @Silver Fox: That is so, true. You have not mention my query. Please give me your thoughts.

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  6. Oops. Sorry.

    I like it, quite honestly; it sounds like a very intriguing story, with a good variety of characters (which is always important to me). There should be enough in what you've given us to intrigue an agent and a publisher.

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  7. @Silver Fox: Thank you sir, I appreciate that.

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  8. By the way, I'm a Scorpio, so if I hadn't really liked it, I would have found a polite way to tell you it sucked, haha!

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  9. Mild Rewrite:

    When his father and brother are assassinated, Tilva becomes the contested ruler of the planet Suvino. Four Keys to Power control the four countries on the planet, and his Family government had all four until the day of betrayal. He holds only one of the four. Unfortunately, many suspect Tilva is a murderer, and an upstart dictator is using their anger to destabilize Tilva's government.

    When Tilva's remaining brother is also assassinated, the conflict turns interplanetary. The brother's ship arrives at Earth with its occupants slaughtered, but Earth's authorities are hungrier to exploit the ship's technology than to find the killer. The problem is, they can't unlock that technology without the help of Suvino's government-and now there are two. Siding with the wrong one will bring the conflict to Earth.

    Obtaining the other three keys is the only way Tilva can stop the bloodshed and avenge his family. But as conspiracies ensnare his advisors, Tilva is forced to place most of his trust in the woman next in line to seize his power. When coerced to follow his brother's ship to Earth, Tilva knows he will either find the answers he needs-or walk right into an assassin's trap.



    Let me know if you need an explanation for the reasons behind any of these changes. It sounds like a great novel :)

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  10. @Silver Fox: Now that make me feel better. I do like criticism. It helps me improve. Your statement gives me great confidence. Thank you.

    @Rebecca: Welcome, and thank you. I understand the changes and appreciate you assistance. Would you be willing to look at my synopsis? That would be a great help as well. Thank you!

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  11. Here are just a couple suggestions for you:

    I would avoid the passive construction of the first sentence "it leaves Tilva the contested ruler..." Play around with it awhile, and I'm sure you'll find a better phrasing.

    Ooops ... Rebecca Hamilton above has already made a good suggestion to fix that.

    I would also rearrange the first couple sentences in the second paragraph. First you say the brother is assassinated. Then you say the brother's ship arrives at Earth. I was a little confused. It might be better to say that his brother's ship arrives and everyone aboard has been killed. I don't know if it's necessary to say where the ship was when this happened, because you don't want to overload the reader with too many details.

    Hope this helps! Blurbs are so difficult to write -- trumped only by the dreaded 2-page synopsis. Ugh!

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  12. Dianne you're awesome. I really appreciate your help. I see what you mean. On the second sentence. It pushes the word count too high trying to explain that the brother re-routes the ship to the nearest planet before his is killed, in the hopes of reaching help sooner. As it is my word count is just over 200. I'll have to find a way though. Thank you so much.

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  13. I have not yet written my first query letter, so I can only tell you my thoughts as a reader. I am intrigued by the story. I think it's possible that some of the phrasing could be tightened up. Heighten the sense of tension. What genre would you describe it as? It sounds like science fiction adventure or thriller to me. Sometimes stating the genre helps to clarify how the story should be presented.

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  14. I thought I posted my comment more than an hour ago. I guess I forgot to hit the final submit button. So it had been sitting there. Silly me. :D

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  15. @Sonia: This is a Sci-Fi and although it contains a murder mystery, paranormal contents, with adventure and thriller scenes; I read somewhere that once it contains Sci-Fi you can only use that one genre. Although lately I've seen it combined. If you have ideas on how to tighten it up, I would love to hear them, please!

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  16. Well, I'm still learning how to write summaries myself, so I can't offer much criticism on that end. But I can tell you that the plot sure sounds intriguing to me. I love a good scifi and I also love mystery novels, so combining the two sounds like an fantastic idea to me.

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  17. @Amanda: Thank you so much. I'm glad to hear you like the plot. I put a lot of thought into it.

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  18. I’m glad that i found a place to get such great information..thank you very much!

    Letter Templates

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  19. @Maddy: Welcome, and I hope you enjoy all the post.

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  20. My thoughts, heed or ignore as you see fit. :) Hope it helps!

    When his father and brother are assassinated, it leaves Tilva the contested ruler of the planet Suvino. [Four Keys to Power control the four countries on the planet and his Family government had all four until the day of betrayal. He holds one of the four Keys to Power.] **This reads awkwardly, and doesn’t really say anything about the plot. I’d cut them from the first paragraph and elaborate more on this later on in the query when it matters. The conflict at the start seems to be that Tilva suddenly finds himself up for the throne, suspected of murder, and facing an upstart dictator.** [Unfortunately, many suspect Tilva to be a murderer, and the upstart dictator is using their anger to destabilize Tilva's government.] **I don’t know who “the upstart dictator” is. And “their” denotes a group, not a single person. How does this affect Tilva and his goal? What is his goal now that he finds himself in this situation?**

    When Tilva's remaining brother is also assassinated, it turns the conflict interplanetary. **Why and how? How does this affect Tilva’s problem stated in the opening paragraph?** [The brother's] **Since this is Tilva’s POV, it’s probably “his brother’s”** ship arrives at Earth with its occupants slaughtered, but Earth's authorities are hungrier to exploit the ship's technology than to find the killer. **Which matters why?**The problem is, they can't unlock that technology without the help of Suvino's government-and there are two governments. Siding with the wrong one, will bring the conflict to Earth. **None of this relates to the opening paragraph and seems like a new problem, and one that is unrelated to Tilva’s issue. Why should we as readers care about Earth when it’s Tilva and Suvino that’s in trouble?**

    Obtaining the other three keys is the only way Tilva can stop the bloodshed and avenge his family. **This is a better place to mention the keys. Perhaps give a brief explanation as to what they are and why they matter, and how they’ll help Tilva fix his problems. SO his goal is to avenge his family? He doesn’t care about the throne or Earth?** [But as conspiracies ensnare his advisors, Tilva is forced to place most of his trust in the woman next in line to seize his power. ] **Which means what? Is she the upstart dictator? She comes into the query out of the blue so I don’t know how she fits in. Did she have something to do with the assassinations if she’s next in line?** [When coerced to follow his brother's ship to Earth, Tilva knows he will either find the answers he needs-or walk right into an assassin's trap.] **How is he coerced? And this has to do with the keys or the woman how? What answers is he looking for? I don’t know what he wants or what the core conflict of this story is yet.**

    Right now, the query is confusing to me because there’s no context for anything. I’m sure all these events are connected in the novel, but they come across as random events here. I’d suggest focusing more on what the core conflict is, what’s in the way of resolving that core conflict, what’s at stake if Tilva fails to resolve that core conflict, and what he has to do to resolve it. You don’t have to give away the ending, but what’s the setup (the stuff that leads to the inciting event) and how does that trigger the rest of the novel?

    If you explained this book in one sentence (even if it’s bad) what would it be? Odds are that’s your core conflict. Try looking at that and then building the query around the events that get Tilva on the path to solving that conflict.

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  21. @Janice: I made notes of all your points to begin again. Thank you for your input, I greatly appreciate it.

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  22. It sounds like a fab book, O, and I cannot wait to read it!

    My advice: right out of the hatch, you need to hook me. Make it exciting, riveting. To die for.

    You say: When his father and brother are assassinated, it leaves Tilva the contested ruler of the planet Suvino.

    My reaction: Who?? And why do I care??

    ====
    Maybe something like:

    A father poisoned [or whatever]. A brother shot.
    Somebody will kill to win the throne. And now Tilva, [explain him briefly, and focus on why he is naive/unqualified/vulnerable -- i.e., youngest son, playboy, and suspected kin-murderer . . .] has to stay alive himself long enough to claim it.

    [and now jump to conflicts]
    ===
    Does that make sense? Make me - force me - to want to buy this book over all the others. Make it exciting.

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  23. I am a huge melodrama fan, O. It makes me want to buy books.

    For an example, let me offer my back cover copy for my book that comes out next week (it's book two in a series):

    They have won. With help from Kiera, Fire Mage, the shapeshifting slaves of Fairbanks have broken their chains, and then lifted her to govern their city. But Kiera and her co-rulers struggle to integrate the former slaves and the remaining mages.

    A worse threat outside Fairbanks waits to fracture the fragile peace. Governor Vrishka, the Skani Water Mage of Barrow, has marched an army from the North, and sends terms: Surrender Fairbanks and restore the Skani mages to rule, or he will raze the city and kill all the shifters. He gifts them ten turns of the sun to make their decision.

    Halfway through the armistice a devastating blow steals all hope for Fairbanks’ victory, and crushes Kiera’s heart. Can she summon the strength to transcend her grief and find a way to defeat Vrishka? If so, what price is she willing to pay? Five days — and a city — await her decision.

    Welcome to the Alternate Alaska, where those born with the power to control the elements rule as nobility over those who cannot. For now.

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  24. @Lauri: That sounds great. I love the idea of showing how they died, and Tilva's vulnerability. Thank you so much.

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  25. "When his father and brother are assassinated, Tilva becomes the contested ruler of the planet Suvino. He holds one of the four Keys to Power. Unfortunately, many think Tilva is a murderer, and the upstart dictator is using their anger to destabilize Tilva's government."

    (Who's the upstart dictator? I thought Tilva was the leader.)


    Sorry, toddler is kicking me and I have to stop there. In general, I think less is more. I feel like you might be trying to dump too much info, but maybe pick one plot thread and see it through instead. For instance, I don't need to know the details behind the Keys to Power, the phrase alone piques my interest, and it's kind of self explanatory.

    You don't need to explain the whole story so much as grab the reader. So, you don't want to bog them down with too many details.

    It sounds like you have an interesting story going. You are brave to expose your process to so many. Hope my few suggestions are helful.

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  26. @Jessica: Thank you very much for your assistance. You're hitting the nail on the head. After all the critique and some other query blogs I checked it seems I am dumping too much into the query letter. I am working now on correcting that.

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