After listening to your advice, I decided to give it another try. I know many of you said you liked the first query letter I drafted. However, a few made suggestions that I thought were very good. In view of the suggestions made, I put together this new query. Please go over it and see if there is anything I've missed. I want to know which you think is better the first one or this new draft. The details I mentioned in the previous query will be in the synopsis which I will share once I nail down the query. So here goes:
Tilva is now alone. His father has been bombed in his jet. His youngest brother shot to death in a hotel room with his wife.They later found the ship with his brother's wife and children hacked with a sword, bludgeoned to death, and Sanaido shot.
Tilva is next and he knows it. He must disclose the murderer to prevent being killed. Suspicion has ensnared his advisors into believing Tilva killed his own family to become the sole ruler of the planet. The woman he loves warned him of the attack, but he questions how she knew. Being the secretary of state makes her next in line to seize power.
Tilva now faces a brutal world war. If he doesn't learn to trust someone, his fears and insecurities will be the cause of his own demise. In a final quest of trust, he may end this trauma, solidify his love, and reunite his planet - or betrayed by the one person he never dreamed possible step right into his killer's trap.
Please, leave me your comments telling me which you think is better and why.
And remember… Always stay in your write mind.